Never negotiate with teenagers!
Is it just me or does everyone wonder how our kids will parent their own children?
Every generation thinks they can do it better than the one before.
The parents of my generation did it tough. As a result I think they tried to smooth the way for their kids.
They bought us houses, took us overseas, and I know I’ll get into trouble, but across the board I think they made us soft.
In turn, I think my generation is guilty of wanting to be best friends with our kids.
In general, we saw our dads as disconnected and our mums as uncool. We were determined to do better. As a result, somewhere along the way, I think we gave up our authority.
When our number-one son was a baby, he didn’t like going to bed. His demands started with story reading. We always read two.
By the time he was three years old, Gabe was demanding six or seven books before he would even pretend to lie down.
Then it was a demand for water, for mummy to lie down with him, for the light on, to sleep with mummy in her bed, and on and on until eventually John and I couldn’t watch TV or go to bed until Gabe finally crashed exhausted on the couch in front of a Thomas video. We’d put him to bed asleep; an hour later he’d wake furious, and head straight for his rightful place, wedged between John and I.
We were saved by a couple expecting their sixth child who ran a parenting course in their home. They were amazing.
Every kid in their family had a job, including the four-year-old who was expected to put the folded washing at the foot of each person’s bed every afternoon. It wasn’t boot camp; it was calm and orderly.
I learned such a lot from that course, most of all that parents have to believe they are in charge and your child will always love you, especially if you learn to say no.
Michael Carr Gregg is a Melbourne-based psychologist who believes there has been a meltdown of parents in Australia.
He says he is blown away by how helpless parents feel these days.
Recently, a mother asked him: “How can I get my daughter off the internet?”
“Who pays for the internet?” he asked. Of course, the mother paid for it.
“But I can’t get into her bedroom,” she wailed.
Dr Carr Gregg was contacted by a pre-school because a mother couldn’t get her four-year-old out of the car in the mornings.
Another family came to him after cancelling a family holiday because the 10-year-old refused point blank to get in the car, which was already loaded with luggage.
My favourite, though, is the story of a mother who said her 10-year-old had been engaging in “unco-operative behaviour”. A letter from school claimed he had stolen three laptop computers.
“That’s not unco-operative behaviour,” Dr Carr-Gregg told the mother. “Your son is a thief.”
It’s easy to pussyfoot around your kids – everybody hates a confrontation. But in my experience the more you show you mean business, the less confrontation you ultimately face.
Kids aren’t as tough as you think they are.
Sometimes the smartest thing to do is lay down the law and just walk away – only crazy people willingly test their negotiating skills against a teenager!
Most of all, if the inmates are running the asylum, don’t be scared to seek help. A really good course is the Positive Parenting Program, or Triple P, check them out at www.triplep.net
John and I were saved by our parenting course and it’s lucky for our two girls we were, because without the section on getting that kid out of our bed, conceiving new ones would have been mighty tricky!
Every generation thinks they can do it better than the one before.
The parents of my generation did it tough. As a result I think they tried to smooth the way for their kids.
They bought us houses, took us overseas, and I know I’ll get into trouble, but across the board I think they made us soft.
In turn, I think my generation is guilty of wanting to be best friends with our kids.
In general, we saw our dads as disconnected and our mums as uncool. We were determined to do better. As a result, somewhere along the way, I think we gave up our authority.
When our number-one son was a baby, he didn’t like going to bed. His demands started with story reading. We always read two.
By the time he was three years old, Gabe was demanding six or seven books before he would even pretend to lie down.
Then it was a demand for water, for mummy to lie down with him, for the light on, to sleep with mummy in her bed, and on and on until eventually John and I couldn’t watch TV or go to bed until Gabe finally crashed exhausted on the couch in front of a Thomas video. We’d put him to bed asleep; an hour later he’d wake furious, and head straight for his rightful place, wedged between John and I.
We were saved by a couple expecting their sixth child who ran a parenting course in their home. They were amazing.
Every kid in their family had a job, including the four-year-old who was expected to put the folded washing at the foot of each person’s bed every afternoon. It wasn’t boot camp; it was calm and orderly.
I learned such a lot from that course, most of all that parents have to believe they are in charge and your child will always love you, especially if you learn to say no.
Michael Carr Gregg is a Melbourne-based psychologist who believes there has been a meltdown of parents in Australia.
He says he is blown away by how helpless parents feel these days.
Recently, a mother asked him: “How can I get my daughter off the internet?”
“Who pays for the internet?” he asked. Of course, the mother paid for it.
“But I can’t get into her bedroom,” she wailed.
Dr Carr Gregg was contacted by a pre-school because a mother couldn’t get her four-year-old out of the car in the mornings.
Another family came to him after cancelling a family holiday because the 10-year-old refused point blank to get in the car, which was already loaded with luggage.
My favourite, though, is the story of a mother who said her 10-year-old had been engaging in “unco-operative behaviour”. A letter from school claimed he had stolen three laptop computers.
“That’s not unco-operative behaviour,” Dr Carr-Gregg told the mother. “Your son is a thief.”
It’s easy to pussyfoot around your kids – everybody hates a confrontation. But in my experience the more you show you mean business, the less confrontation you ultimately face.
Kids aren’t as tough as you think they are.
Sometimes the smartest thing to do is lay down the law and just walk away – only crazy people willingly test their negotiating skills against a teenager!
Most of all, if the inmates are running the asylum, don’t be scared to seek help. A really good course is the Positive Parenting Program, or Triple P, check them out at www.triplep.net
John and I were saved by our parenting course and it’s lucky for our two girls we were, because without the section on getting that kid out of our bed, conceiving new ones would have been mighty tricky!
posted by Caroline Hutchinson at 10:13 AM
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